I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
