what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
