Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
