Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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