I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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