i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
