i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
