All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This is my gift to your gina
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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