We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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