Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
