I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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