hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
