You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
