Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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