Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
