Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
