DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
