I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
