I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
