My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My penis needs a shock collar
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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