I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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