nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
