We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
