I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
