I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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