Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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