I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Lo siento on account of my penis...
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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