I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
