I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
