This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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