Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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