I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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