I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
