my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
