Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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