It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
