just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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