pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
True strength comes from lack of pants
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
