You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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