Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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