Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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