i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
