you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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