Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
