I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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