also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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