He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
