My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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