Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
