Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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