You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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