So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
