Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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