Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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